Just so we're on the same page....

I know some of you reading this have heard bits and pieces of my "journey" thus far....but I am going to back up and start at the "beginning" so you know where I am coming from and also so you know that I understand struggles. Struggles with food, with body-image, with self-esteem, with depression and a bunch of other stuff.  I am going to be completely honest, because I haven't always been (mostly with myself) but I think it's really important that YOU know that I am not some fitness junkie that everything comes easy for, and I have never had a craving in my life.....oh no.....let me start back in 2004 where I would say my life completely changed.....

I had always been "lazy" as a kid, teenager, and young adult. I hated being dragged on hikes by my parents, and chose sedentary activities when I had the choice. But, in April 2004, I had my second little boy, Jaxon, and a couple weeks after he was born, I joined a gym to try to lose the baby weight. I started out slow, pretty unintentionally, just doing cardio, and lifting weights, kind of teaching myself as I went along. I had always read a lot about fitness and nutrition, just never really applied any of it.
One defining moment in my life was one day I was getting ready in the morning, and my husband commented on my muscular back. I turned around and looked in the mirror, and I was instantly "hooked" on muscle. At that particular point in time, I made a conscious decision to start lifting weights seriously. Over the next couple of years, I learned more and more, started working out more and more, loving it more and more. Then, somewhere along the way, I became pretty obsessed. I would go to the gym for 2 hours in the morning, working myself to exhaustion, then go back for an hour SUPER intense spin class later in the day, dragging my kids to the daycare every time. :(  It was at that point that I became super self centered and very "me-focused." I would go crazy if for some reason I couldn't work out, and became a maniac, up and down and up and down. Because I was exhausted.
But, I LOVED it! I got more and more experienced, started asking a lot of questions of the Personal Trainers at the gym I was at (this was in Southern California), then decided that I wanted to be one, too!
So, I found the best certification course (NASM), ordered it, did all the studying and passed the test about 3 weeks before we moved to Bend. (this was October 2007)
I started working as a trainer at a gym, here in Bend, in December. It was great, I loved it, but as the months passed, I started getting "addicted" to food. I started overeating occasionally, then it was more often, then it turned into a full fledged case of binging and purging. So, at this time, my self-esteem started to plummet. I could. not. control my eating. It got worse. I started to get really depressed. How could I, as a trainer, help others with their food and nutrition if I couldn't get a handle on it myself??? I don't think I realized how deep in I got, because I wasn't being honest with myself. I kept hoping it would just "go away" some day. It didn't though. It got worse. I was consumed with thoughts of food, always thinking about how I could control it, how I could be more strict. But, always, in the afternoons, I would "lose it" and binge. Usually on something healthy, but just too much food. This went on for about a year or so.
Spring Break of last year, I feel like was when I hit bottom.  I was SUPER burnt out on training, I was very busy at that time....sometimes working 10 hours a day. And, I was a depressed wreck. So, at that point, I made a conscious effort to try to climb out of this hideous hole I had dug for myself. I started seeking God for His help, because I had definitely tried on my own, and it sure wasn't working. I found a website (www.settingcaptivesfree.com) that helps people overcome all kinds of addictions. I did their 60 day program. Made a little progress. Stopped purging. Still a little binging. Then, I found an accountability partner, made a little more progress. Binging less and less. In the past several months, I have made a LOT of progress. But it is slow. I have been leaning on God to help me though this, but it is taking so much longer than I ever thought it would.
Over the past year, I have been working on developing self~discipline. It has been a very painful and long process, but one that has been so worth it. My life and priorities have changed a lot, too. I have a lot more patience with my boys, and a lot more love for my husband, both of these things stemming from a much more balanced perspective on life. I have scaled WAY back on my exercise, (during this whole time, I had been beating myself up, exercising so so hard to try to negate the effects of the binging) and I am now in control of my food, instead of IT controlling ME. I learned that I needed to cut all the trigger foods out of my diet. Maybe not forever, but for now, it's necessary. I have learned a whole lot about myself in this process. I have definitely not "arrived", but I sure am in a much better place than I was about a year ago.
I know I went through this for a reason. And that reason is to be able to empathize with others who may be struggling with the same, or different things. But, just know that I have FOUGHT a battle to be where I am now, and I am sooooooo willing to help you fight, too. I hope I didn't freak anyone out with this, but I just wanted to be honest about where I am coming from.
This "journey" is definitely, without a doubt a PROCESS. And if it's not a process, you won't learn anything from it. So, be patient with yourself, keep looking ahead, and PLEASE let me know if I can be of any help.